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As Marriages Grow Older, The Odds Of Separation Declines
When
two people marry, they promise to be with each other for the rest of their
lives. They mean to make ‘forever’ happen. But alas! Some marriages last and
some don’t. Making a marriage last is not looked at as a ‘task’ as it happens
naturally. Many hurdles unfold in the lives of the happily married and what
keeps them together is the mutual desire to fight for love. As much cheesy as
it sounds, it’s also real. I do not mean that the ones who decide to separate
do not want to fight for love. They just do not think that the love they are in
is worth fighting for at the expense of their well-being. Marriages and
personal well-being are not supposed to be mutually exclusive of each other. Some relationships have been in
decline for decades, and finally lose all their drive. A marriage doesn't
usually just blow up. It's more like a balloon that has been seeping air for a
long time and after sometime it's totally deflated. People discover both
good and bad things about each other throughout their marriage. Some choose to
stay together and some don’t. But what remains important is this discovery
doesn’t go for decades and decades. It is true that it takes more than a
lifetime to know someone. But that does not mean that it is not possible to
know a person enough in a few years.
Data
supports that as marriages start aging, the odds of separation declines.
Between 4th and 8th anniversaries, chance of divorce by next anniversary is
over 4% while by 26th anniversary is less than 1%. Divorces after long
marriages are usually very painful and unexpected. The reasons are no more lack
of trust or lack of understanding. In long marriages the couple is expected to
have already faced and fought hardships together for decades. Hence, a sudden
want for separation comes off as less probable. Half a century ago, an unhappy couple in their mid-60s
might have stayed together because they thought it wasn't worth divorcing if
they had only a few years left to live. Now, 65-year-olds can easily envision
at least 20 more active years — and they don't want them to be loveless, or
full of frustration or disappointment. But now, with more longevity there’s
also a need to do what is fair.
There
are certain examples of celebrities where they have taken divorce after 15-20
years of their marriage. This is not only happening with the celebrities, even
normal middle class couples too opting for the same and they going for divorce after
even 40 years of their marriage. I have cases where wife filed for divorce at
the age of 67 years. Such separations are not only leaving a permanent damage to
the person as remarrying gets difficult for the spouse at an old age, but also
devastates their families. They claim that they just “grew apart”. But just because it's a cliché
doesn't mean it's not a common cause of divorce or separation among long-time
married couples. A common scenario is when the partners live increasingly
different lives, he gets more and more into his work, she gets more and more
into her children, her adult children, her grandchildren or she gets ambitious
and he wants to relax, cut down, travel, and subside.
Odds
of separation in a marriage
Going by the societal generic norm, men
always tend to have a financial back up- either their jobs or savings or
retirement plans. Women on the other hand tend to have no financial support,
more so if she had not worked and earned a living for herself. Hence,
financially dependent housewives do not have anything to fall back on after a
separation of a long marriage. I have seen cases where the husband asks for
divorce from the wife after 18 years marriage with the wife having no clue
about it, no fights and no discussions. After caring for the family, the kids
and the man and having no financial freedom, no personal property, the wife is
left with nothing in hand. This is not only unfair for the wife, but also
disastrous. If the wife is not earning, the court will consider her age,
educational qualification and ability to earn to decide the amount of alimony
she ought to get. Even after getting the alimony, figuring out everything by
oneself, for a person who has never dealt with money before is a big challenge.
Marriage is a legal institution which is
open to legal interference by the court. The law will never ask a separating
couple to mend ways and patch up a toxic marriage against the will of the
partners. But, it tries every way to prevent hasty decisions taken by the
couple. The cooling off period aims at possible reconciliation even if there’s
a slightest chance. But when it comes to such old marriages, the same process
gets depressing for a housewife with no support.
The excruciating pain cannot be minimized
by the courts but a system of preventing divorce of old marriages is worth
giving a thought. What do you think ? Place yourself in the shoes of those
helpless housewives and you will feel this is worth giving a thought too. As
much as personal liberty should be upheld in a marriage, there should also be a
way out of the black hole of old marriage divorce.
Adv Vedika Chaubey can be reached at
vedikachaubey@gmail.com
